‘Letting Go’ & ‘Stepping Back’: True Friends For Life

7 min readFeb 23, 2021

In our daily lives, we meet up and interact with a variety of people. They could be our colleagues at work, friends or family members. No two persons are born identical in terms of behaviour. They are noticeable for a number of reasons. Some are flexible to move on according to the circumstances while others are found stuck either in their past or they can’t escape from some of the bitter experiences that they had earlier in their lives. They just can’t erase those memories i.e. who pained them and what they couldn’t do about it?

What does this Mean?

We often hear that we need to let go of something we can’t control when it seems to be causing us problems. But, what letting go or stepping back really mean? To understand this, we need to understand why we get attached to people or things in the first place. Mental and emotional fixation on something we think we need or want. We get attached to people, views, outcomes, or material possessions. The reason we get attached to them is that we’re afraid we’ll lose them, and therefore, we’ll be unhappy, or we may even think we won’t survive. Many of us confuse sensual pleasure, or emotional gratification, with happiness. They are not the same. True happiness comes from freedom from suffering. Yet our society teaches us that if we achieve or acquire things that bring us pleasure, then we’ll be happy.

So, letting go means to release our fixation on these things. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll lose them. It just means we have enough faith that we’ll get the things we need to survive in this world, and maybe even be happy It’s a question many of us ask ourselves each time we experience heartache or emotional pain: how do you let go of past hurts and move on? Holding on to the past can be a conscious decision just like letting go and moving forward can be a conscious decision.

Learn how to let go?

One thing that connects us as human beings is our ability to feel pain. Whether that pain is physical or emotional, we all have experiences of being hurt. What separates us though, is how we deal with that pain.

1. Your positive mantra

First thing first: See how you deal with yourself in crisis? How you treat yourself in difficult times? How you talk to yourself can either move you forward or keep you stuck. Often, having a mantra that you tell yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts. Remember the movie: 3 Idiots and its mantra: “All is well”.

The famous phrase that we hear all around us i.e. “I can’t believe this happened to me!” Instead, try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me” or “Thank God, I didn’t get into worse”.

If your first response to not being able to let go of a painful situation is to criticize yourself, it’s time to show yourself some kindness and compassion. Lisa Olivera, a licensed marriage and family therapist says this looks like treating ourselves like we would treat a friend, offering ourselves self-compassion, and avoiding comparisons between our journey and those of others. “Hurt is inevitable, and we may not be able to able to avoid pain; however, we can choose to treat ourselves kindly and lovingly when it comes,” She explains.

2. Forgive yourself first

Let’s learn to stop complaining about anything and everything in life. Always remember that our inability to forgive others can stem from an inability to forgive ourselves. The lack of acceptance for others may even fuel a lack of acceptance for ourselves. Others deserve forgiveness, just like we do. On the contrary, we always hear that human race immensely love itself. If this assumption is correct then how can we not forgive ourselves?

Since waiting for the other person to apologise can stall the process of letting go, you may have to work on your own forgiveness first. Forgiveness is vital to the healing process because it allows you to let go of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, or any other feeling you may be experiencing and move on.

3. Surround yourself with the ‘right’ people

This simple yet powerful tip can help carry you through a lot of hurt. We just can’t lead an empty life alone, and we can’t expect ourselves to get through our hurts alone, either. Allowing ourselves to lean on a trusted friends and their support system is such a wonderful way of not only limiting isolation but of reminding us of the good that is in our lives. Be very choosy and careful in identifying the ‘right’ people in your life who you can trust upon and share your pain with.

4. What if the other person doesn’t apologise

If you happen to be stubborn or rigid enough in the way you lead your life, expect your colleagues at work or your friends and family members might be of the similar nature and mindset. This can actually happen.

Waiting for an apology from the person who hurt you will slow down the process of letting go. If you’re experiencing hurt and pain, it’s important you take care of your own healing, which may mean accepting that the person who hurt you isn’t going to apologise. So divert your attention and think of better things in life that can give you happiness and settle down your mood. After all, its your life and you should be leading it in the best way.

5. Mind your own business

This is one of the most difficult things to do in life. We all, for some reason, love to poke our nose in other person’s business — be in work or home or in the friend circle. This mostly happens in an uninvited fashion. We take it as our birth right and somehow enjoy this too. During the process, we either get a shut up call or get insulted. Eventually we get hurt and we start complaining.

Focusing on yourself and limiting your boundaries is very essential. We have to make a choice between our integrity and respect and going to an extent where someone sees you as intrusion into his/her personal life.

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that you should distance yourself from the person or situation that makes you upset. According to Ramani Durvasula, PhD, Clinical psychologist: That’s not such a bad idea. “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much,” she explains.

The Takeaway

Remember, to let go of past hurts, you need to make the conscious decision to take control of the situation. However, this can take time and practice. Be kind to yourself as you practice refocusing how you see the situation, and celebrate the small victories you have.

I know from personal experience that letting go can be really hard, and even scary. But I’ve had to let go of many things I thought I needed to survive. In fact, I’m quite happy.

I’ve learned to let go, and so can you. It gets easier with time and experience. Once you realise how liberating it can be to let go of certain things, and have a few successes under your belt, you’ll be able to let go before something causes you great harm.

Gradually, you’ll be able to move beyond just letting go, and not get attached to things in the first place. When this happens, then you’ll know the true meaning of freedom.

Learn how sometimes smaller things in our lives make huge impact and you can take some learnings on a personal and professional level by following me on LinkedIn and on our official website. Also follow us on social media: Facebook, LinkedIn, Medium, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.

Muhammad Sajwani is the Founder, Managing Director and Principal Consultant at Evolve HR which aims at transforming, enriching and evolving Human Capital of Pakistan. At Evolve HR, him and his team thrives in challenging assumptions that hinder organisational aspirations, by creating innovative solutions that yield maximum impact, scalability & benefit to a wider base of stakeholders. As a Business Coach and Organisational Consultant, Sajwani knows how to combine business insights with people insights to transform organisations and put them on the path to growth.