The Should Haves vs. Reality of Life
In simple terms, “Should Haves” are what we think will happen, while reality is what actually transpires. While we hope these two will match up, they often don’t. This disparity of Should Haves vs. Reality can often lead to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness amongst us. Should Haves refer to the beliefs that we hold about the outcomes of events. While these Should Haves can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what we had hoped would happen.
The Charles Dickens novel “Great Expectations” lays out the problem with our “Should Haves”. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams. When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His Should Haves had robbed him of fully appreciating his Reality.
How to Manage our Should Haves?
Learning how to manage our Should Haves can be helpful when we are trying to avoid the Should Haves vs. Reality trap. It’s important to take a deeper look into how our Should Haves stack up to Reality and how we get affected due to this trap.
1. Let’s Know OUr ‘Should Haves’
Let’s start by assessing our Should Haves in a situation. If we’d like to get out of the trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what we do we really want is a great start. Becoming aware of what we “should” be having is also a wise idea.
- When we enter into a new situation, lets ask ourselves what should happen to us?
- Ask if our Should Haves must be the way we think or are they bit exaggerated?
- Where did these Should Haves generate from and are they Realistic?
2. Make Gratitude Our Attitude
When our Should Haves outpace Reality, it often means we don’t appreciate what we do have. Instead, we may find ourselves expecting more or comparing what we do have to what we could have.Gratitude is all about appreciating what we have instead of lamenting what we don’t. Practicing gratitude and working actively to savor the moment can have a positive effect on subjective well-being andhappiness.
When we find that what is happening is not what we wanted, actively look for the positives in what wehave. We may find that once we get over the disappointment, we have something we didn’t initially realize we wanted. This helps us to be more appreciative of what we have.
3. Stop Making Comparisons
Let’s focus on the quality of our life, not the quantity of our likes. There are so many negative effects of the comparison trap, and I’m sure you’ve felt them before. Here are a few that I’ve seen time and time again:
- Negative and anxious thoughts that are hard to come out of (known as rumination)
- Higher rates of anxiety and depression
When we see others’ around us and assume that we want to be like them, let’s remind ourselves that this may not be the Reality. It’s great to know what direction we want things to go in, but don’t forget that what we see isn’t necessarily what others are actually living and that very judgement is the Reality.
4. What Makes Us Happy?
We may be overestimating how happy we would be once we have what we think we want. For instance, if one hates his/her job but still works to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, s/he may achieve that but the happiness will not be very long-lasting.
Truly savor what we have. It’s okay to want more, but we can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what we already have. Savoring what we have is a great way to expand the joy we experience in our lives.
5. Practice Emotional Acceptance
Let’s not beat ourselves up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are.
However, instead of looking up in the society, try and look down, go to the slums in the town and see those who have less, not more and thank the Almighty. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person I should be competing with is “me”.
Take Aways
Finally, our Should Haves can get the better of us when we expect more than what is realistic in a given situation. Our job to be an idealized version we dreamed about as a child, or even our life to match what wesee on the social media. Should Haves can create significant stress when they don’t match up with reality. We need to understand that striving for more can lead us to work our hardest and do our best.
At the same time, it can also rob us of joy, our family life i.e. our parents, siblings, children, especially when we expect things to come more easily than they do or in a different way. Becoming more aware of our Should Haves and how they change our feelings toward our own Reality can free us from disappointment and stress that comes from unrealistic Should Haves.
About the Author
Muhammad Sajwani is the Founder and Managing Director of Evolve HR which aims at transforming, enriching and evolving Human Capital of Pakistan, Evolve HR thrives in challenging assumptions that hinder organisational aspirations, by creating innovative solutions that yield maximum impact, scalability & benefit to a wider base of stakeholders. As a Business Coach and Organisational Consultant, Sajwani knows how to combine business insights with people insights to transform organisations and put them on the path to growth.
