Why One Shouldn’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover?
Generally, when we’re deciding on getting a book, what would we do in order to make our decision on whether or not to get it? Would we open the book and read the first few lines? Or would we look to see who wrote the book, depending on whether or not we have read books by the same author and we like them? Or would we read the reviews or the synopsis of the book first? There are so many ways to make a decision on whether or not we should get the book.
In George Eliot’s words: “Don’t judge a book by its cover” and there’s an old proverb that says, “Outward appearances are not a reliable indication of true character.” Now let’s compare this on how do you make friends? Do we talk to them once and then decide if we like them or not? Or would decide to be friends with them, because their parents are rich and/or famous? Or would we just hear about what other people said about them, if they’re nice or not, to make our decision if we wanted to be friend that person?
Both ways of judging a book and person are very similar. People judge each other through their personality, looks, lifestyle and so on and so forth. But let’s pause for a while and know that more than just physical appearances lay beneath the surface of a human being. Despite our best efforts, we all judge others. It might be over small things, like a co-worker who arrived 15 minutes late at work. Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings.
Psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach frequently tells this story: Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering.
What can we learn from this story? How can we become less judgmental? Here are 05 ways we should stop judging people:
1. Fight-Fight-Freeze
We are instinctively hard-wired for survival. When we see a person that might hurt us, of course we feel threatened. We go into fight-flight-freeze mode, and are unable to see the myriad possible reasons for another’s behavior. We get tight and defensive. This is a normal first reaction. The key is to pause before we act out of this mode.
Although judgment is a natural instinct, try to catch yourself before you speak, or send that one-off nasty email and do any potential harm. You can’t get your words back. Pause, take a break. See if you can understand where the person may be coming from. Try to rephrase your critical internal thought into a positive one, or at least a neutral one. After all, like that dog in the trap, we really don’t know the reasons for someone’s behavior.
2. Benefit of the Doubt
When someone disagrees with us or somehow makes our life complicated or difficult, remember that it’s typically not about us. It may be about their pain or struggle or their upbringing or life training. Why not give others the benefit of the doubt? “Never underestimate the pain of a person,” Will Smith said, “because in all honesty, everyone is struggling. Some people are better at hiding it than others.” Someone once told me, no one wakes up in the morning and says, “I think I’m going to be a jerk today.” Most of us do our best we can with the resources we have at the moment.
People tend to expect a lot from others. This could be both financial and moral. Start looking for very basic goodness among the people you want to be with. This takes practice, as our minds naturally scan for the negative, but if we try, we can almost always find something good about another person.
3. Mantra: “Just like me”
Remember, we, humans, are more alike than different in many ways, but not identical. When we feel critical of someone, we must try and remind ourselves the mantra: Just like me. In this case, that the other person loves their family just like we do, and wants to be happy and free of suffering, just like us. Most important, that person makes mistakes, just like I do.
Sometimes, we may be judging someone for something that we do ourselves, or have done. For example, the next time you find yourself yelling at someone while you’re driving, ask yourself, “Have I ever driven poorly?” Of course, we all have.
4. We are ‘NOT’ Identical
We are not born identical. In fact, we humans are all very unique in nature. When someone does something we don’t like, perhaps think of it as they are simply solving a problem in a different way than we would.
Or maybe they have a different approach to looking at things than us. This may help us be more open-minded and accepting of their behavior. Dalai Lama says: “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost”.
5. Feel Good Factor
Brene´ Brown says: “If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because were using each other as a launching pad out of her own perceived deficiency”. This is, in fact, the way we should approach our life and the people around us.
We shouldn’t have actually time to ridicule or make fun of others. This is probably the smallest of acts we could ever think of doing to others in public or private. Let’s learn to overcome this problem of ours. World would look a much better place to live in while overcoming this cheap habit.
Final Word
Before I conclude this article, I would encourage my readers to watch the above short clip which I actually watched a few months back but somehow, it is still preserved in my mind.
So, to conclude, that we judge books by their covers. Let us revel in the fact that we love beautiful books and are taking the first step into this unknown, fictional world we wouldn’t otherwise dive into. Similarly, remember that judging a person does not define who they are, it defines who we are.
Learn how sometimes smaller things in our lives make huge impact and you can take some learnings on a personal and professional level by following me on LinkedIn and Evolve HR’s website.
Muhammad Sajwani is the Founder and Managing Director of Evolve HR which aims at transforming, enriching and evolving Human Capital of Pakistan, At Evolve HR thrives in challenging assumptions that hinder organisational aspirations, by creating innovative solutions that yield maximum impact, scalability & benefit to a wider base of stakeholders. As a Business Coach and Organisational Consultant, Sajwani knows how to combine business insights with people insights to transform organisations and put them on the path to growth.
